The Best of Me

For as long as I can remember, I was always scared of something. There seemed to be something wrong with my life at every point.I couldn’t do anything right or be myself.

When I loved dreadlocks, I couldn’t have them; now I don’t like them anymore. I am not sure if I ever loved them at this point. When I loved heels, I couldn’t wear them as much as I would have loved to. Those I loved, I still do, and I cannot wait to rock them so six inches with my head held so high. When my favorite thing to do was write, I was so deep in shit I couldn’t concentrate long enough to write a sentence.

When I did write, I couldn’t keep the memories of it. So I deleted them; they are like buried parts of the process. I like to think they died on the soil of the earth, and they have grown to be the most beautiful scars I have ever seen. I developed coping mechanisms, some of which I am learning have become of me in an interesting way. Maybe I’ll unlearn, or I’ll just paint them green and give them the color of life.

For the longest time I couldn’t speak my mind because I walked on eggshells to protect the people I loved. I tiptoed around my dreams to accommodate their dreams.I gave up my own for theirs to have room. I was forced to give up my dreams so I could be a child worthy of love.Looking back, I am the sacrificial lamb, the one that was a trial and error. I should have let that be the memory of it, but I went ahead and settled for what I thought was love. I thought I needed to earn the love, I thought it would get better. I told myself if I kept trying it would work out, be a fairy tale.I compromised from the beginning because that’s what I knew.I always thought that if I did better, I would one day be happy. So I went from a child earning love to a “wife” fighting to be worthy of love.

Do I have regrets for how it turned out? Well, I didn’t know any better, so no, I have no regrets. I did what I did to survive; I did what I did for love, or rather for the illusion of it. So my scars are beautiful in my eyes because in them I see the version of me that loves with everything.

Years have passed, and today I have cried tears of joy because I realized I am not hiding anymore. I am naked in every sense of the word because I have embraced who I am.This is the whole of me.

I know better now. I know what I love, what makes me happy. I know what excites me, and more importantly, I am aware that I love without boundaries. This is me, the girl that sees people for exactly who they are and chooses to love them for that. I am the girl that hates chaos with every nerve in my body, the girl that will do anything to keep the peace.

Some may say keeping the peace has brought me so much chaos, which is true for the most part, but that few minutes of peace was worth it.

Thirty years since I was born and having loved the way that I have, I know better, and so I am going to do better. This is the line, the end of the limitations. All this time I have built on joy, pain, struggles, traumas, and cages. Now I have a physical scar for my troubles, and therefore this building is done. I am going to stand on it all, the beauty that came out of this, the tears that have come from it. I am going to stand on the ground that was built to limit me, and then I am going to live my life on my own terms.

This year has been insane in levels that words cannot describe, but this year has also stripped me of every wall that I had around me. All of it was an illusion of protecting myself.Now that it’s all gone, I can see clearly, and I can truly appreciate the value of the process. How long it has taken, though, is a conversation for another day.

I have been shown love at tremendous levels; I have been extended kindness in ways I can’t repay. One thing that I have learned is that I am worthy of so much because I give much more.

2024 took so much from me; it is also the year that has given me the best of me. So I end it on a high note, standing on my choices, priding myself on my consequences, and loving me.

This season is called, This I Prayed For ❤️. This season is called the Best of Me.