DIARY OF MY TODAY

I am looking into the eyes of a child.Let me start from the beginning,I am sitting somewhere and across from me is a baby and her mom.She is about a year old and is being a baby,wants to play,wants to be held and is even trying to eat everything she touches.She keeps smiling at me and I keep wondering how pure children’s are.
I am admiring the casual way in which this baby is existing, falling because she knows she’ll be caught.Keeps biting things just because.The purity and ability to be free spirited in children is amazing.Its been an interesting few minutes before I remember something.
Someone has been saying that I have baby fever.I don’t think I do because for many years now it has been my conscious decision to not have another child.I have thought alot about it lately.The fact that I am craving teddy bears, like every time I see one I go “Aaaaw that’s so cute”.
One thing is for sure,I know that am not ready but now I am no longer terrified.I know that one I might get another,one day I might try again.Unlike two years ago when it was a definite no,now I don’t feel like I can’t do it. Would I get pregnant today if I had the chance, definitely NO.Will I do it next year I don’t know.What I know is the trauma that led me to anxiety every time I thought about a baby is gone.The reason that kept me awake every time I had a pregnancy scare is gone.
In psychology this isn’t about a baby,the need to have one or the craving to think about it.It isn’t about tiny little feet and tiny little hands ,it is about more.It is about this journey,the healing process and the realities of how much has changed.
I look at the mirror and see a beautiful girl, a grown woman who had conquered her fears.An amazing mother that has raised a beautiful, confident girl.I see a daughter that has done everything she could to make her parents proud.I see a beautiful sister that has shown up for her siblings,the best way she knows how.
Professionally I may not be where I want to be,but I have shown up for my clients the best way there is.I have held the Hippocratic Oath to the highest of regards.I have held my end of being ethical.
Today as I look into this innocent eyes,I know for a fact that it’s God’s way of saying something.Its his way of reminding me that this alleged baby fever is about how far I have come to get to a place of peace.A place of love,peace and contentment.The place of pure Grace.I have come to a place of living as God intended to,as a woman worthy of his name.