Life is a painful journey

I am having a bad day,I woke up this morning and I don’t remember having breakfast.I had lunch but I still feel a certain way.My best friend is attending a funeral,she wouldn’t want me to say it like that but I don’t know how to say it.I feel like a terrible friend,I have failed my friend.I don’t know how to feel and so I have been indoors crying.People say so many things about adult friendships but this i different.She is my sister,the one person that trully gets me and am not with her today.I don’t know how to process this feelings so I am going to write because that my language.Theres a thing we do together to process things.We let the other figure it out then when you are ready we talk about it.My soul is crushed right now..I don’t know how to express this feelings.I trully hope she knows that I wanted to be there,to cry with her,to question the whole universe,to scream into something.Damn adulting,damn responsibilities damn death ,damn all of it.Sweetheart am sorry life has dealt with you a proper one this year.I am sorry that I am not there to hold your hand.I am sorry that you had to do this by yourself.Mourn your brother baby girl, mourn your person,cry your heart out.Feel the pain ,live this moment.You aren’t alone,I love you so much💔💔💔.